


Over You

by serohtonin



Series: Lights Out [2]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Break Up, Heavy Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 04:19:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2255643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren struggles to accept the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Over You

**Author's Note:**

> The relationship surrounding these events are completely fabricated by me, and should not be assumed as truth. Title taken from the Ingrid Michaelson [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdVH8FnG2sQ) of the same name.

_Spring 2014_

Darren doesn't want to get out of bed for months after it happens.

But he does, because the world around him won't stop fucking turning, despite losing the person that mattered most to him.

He first arrives home after his argument with Chris, and reaches for a half-empty bottle of scotch. Ironically, the bottle was a birthday present from Chris himself, and as Darren traces the familiar brand logo with his fingers, he replays their post-coital conversation in his head:

_"I am tired, Darren. I can't do this anymore."_

_"I know it's hard, babe, but we'll make it through. We always do," he assured Chris affectionately._

_"What if I don't want to?"_

_"What does that mean?"_

_Chris sighed. "It means I can't let you risk your career for me. The video that we filmed for the behind the scenes stuff last night, where you quizzed me. You were too obvious. You almost blew our cover."_

_"Thanks for the concern. I'm sorry for not being more careful. I'm sorry it's so difficult for me to pretend that I'm not in love with you, like it's not torturing me every single day you deny me, that you deny us every chance you get. I'm sorry I'm can't let my guard down for once," Darren fired back._

_"For_ once? _It's been more than once that you've acted like this. Alla showed me the footage of you at Jane's tribute, where you were fawning all over me."_

_"Oh, so now I can't be proud of you or laugh at your jokes, either? I never took you for a manipulative asshole who wants to control everything I do, or for someone who actually cares so much about what everyone sees."_

_"What everyone sees is as much as part of our careers as what we do professionally. I thought you understood that, after last summer."_

_"Don't you dare bring up last summer," Darren snapped. "That's not the same thing."_

_"It is and you know it."_

_"Oh, I see. You're making this about me, when it's really about you. You're so ashamed that anyone would even remotely suggest that we're together, so much so that I can't even_ look at you _when we're in public?"_

"I'm _ashamed? Right, because I'm the one promoting my straightness every chance I get."_

_"Chris, do you even listen to anything I say? I love you, and I have never directly said--"_

_"No, because you let other people assume certain things so you won't torpedo your career into the ground right as it's taking off and you can actually keep working in this town."_

_"You think I care more about work than about you?"_

_"Tell me I'm wrong, Darren."_

_Darren looked at him incredulously. "God, I can't fucking believe--"_

_"It's okay. We both care about our jobs. That's why this works," Chris said with an eerie calmness._

_"Would you let me finish? I can't believe that the Chris I fell in love with, the man I share a bed with almost every goddamn night, thinks so little of me, especially when he realizes how complicated the situation is, and how I like to keep things between us private."_

_Chris laughed wryly. "That's exactly what I mean. You think you're keeping things private when anyone who's paying attention can see all over your face how fucking smitten you've been for three years. I think the world knew before you even did."_

_"So now you're throwing that in my face, too?" Darren yelled, but then his voice grew quiet. "You know why I didn't want to tell you."_

_"Because you were afraid your feelings would disappear after Dublin."_

_Darren grabs Chris' hand. "Guess what? They didn't. They haven't. I can't just switch them off because someone somewhere might make assumptions. I can't get over you that easily."_

_"Maybe you should," Chris continues coolly._

_Darren's hand slipped out of Chris'. "What?"_

_Chris looked down at their hands and then back up, his face remaining a mask. "Maybe this isn't worth all the trouble we've been going to."_

_Darren's heart beat rapidly in his chest as he felt Chris building up his defenses. "How could you say that?"_

_"Look how much hell it's caused, all for a few stolen moments of happiness."_

_"A few stolen moments? C'mon, don't cheapen us like that. After that health scare with my dad, you--" he swallowed thickly, "you drove up to San Fran, to my childhood bedroom, and held me when I fucking sobbed--when I thought that--God, how can you make it sound like we're having some fling?"_

_"Aren't we? You'll get sick of me eventually."_

_"Why are you doing this now?"_

_"I told you--Don't. I hate it when you do that."_

_Darren laid down and clutched Chris' middle. "When I remind you that you mean something to me?"_

_Chris stayed silent as Darren continued._

_"I love you and you love me, too. You can't let this shit come between us."_

_"It already is between us. It always has been, and probably always will be. I'm tired, Darren."_

_Darren kisses Chris' bare stomach. "Then, let's go to bed."_

_"No. I can't fight with you like this anymore. How many more times are we going to argue about the same subject?"_

_"Never again. We'll let it go."_

_"No, Dare. I can't just--This is our lives."_

_"So is this." Darren mouthed over a hickey on Chris' chest that he made earlier._

_"Please. You can't--fuck--You can't fix this."_

_He crawled on top and moved up to Chris' neck. "Why not?"_

_"Ugh, not there. We still have to, unhh," Chris arched his hips into Darren, "work tomorrow."_

_His teeth grazed over the scar on Chris' neck. "Why can't I fix this?"_

_"You can't, okay?"_

_Chris dug his fingers into Darren's sides and squeezed, but then he let go._

_Darren pulled away and gazed at Chris. "It's because I want to move in, isn't it?"_

_Chris doesn't meet his eyes. "All these problems aren't gonna magically go away if we live together, Darren."_

_"So we work on them, or we leave them at the door." Darren grabbed Chris' face. "Will you look at me?"_

_Chris opened his eyes, but only for a second, before he closed them again. "I don't want to do this anymore. I can't."_

_"Don't lie to me, Chris."_

_"I'm not. I--" Chris' eyes fluttered open. "I really care about you and I--you should move on while you still can."_

_"What the fuck? I don't get a say? In case you haven't noticed, I'm already in this."_

_"You shouldn't be."_

_Darren kissed his mouth. "It's too late. I'm yours."_

_"No, you're not."_

_Darren's hands fell to their sides as he kissed him again, on Chris' lips, his cheeks, his nose, and down his body. "Yours. Always."_

_"No, Darren. We can't fuck this away."_

_Darren knelt between Chris' legs. "You're mine, too. Say it."_

_"Dare--"_

_Darren nuzzled at Chris' thigh. "Please, say it."_

_"I can't," he grunted out._

_"C'mon, baby," Darren murmured into Chris' skin._

_Chris gripped Darren's curls and forced him to look up. "Don't."_

_"You love me. You're gonna throw it away, for what? To protect me, to protect yourself? I want you. I'm always going to want you."_

_"Why are you making this so hard?"_

_Darren sat up, his hands shaking as he tried to steady himself. "Because, despite all the shit we have to deal with, this is the most real thing I've known in years, Chris. I don't care if anyone speculates about us, as long as I get to come home to you at the end of the day."_

_Chris bit his lip and his chin quivered. "I don't want you to. I'm letting you go. The hiatus is coming up. Maybe that'll give us some time to take a break and really think about things for a change."_

_"There's nothing to fucking think about, Chris. You're it for me."_

_Chris' eyes watered. "You're it for me, too. That's the problem."_

_"Being with me is a problem, then?"_

_Darren's own eyes filled with tears, so he rolled off of Chris and turned away, and he barely made out the quiet sniffling next to him._

_"Yes," Chris whispered. "It's a problem for both of us. It'd be so much easier if--"_

_"I don't want easy. Relationships aren't easy, Chris, no matter the circumstances. If ours were different, we would definitely still have issues, but when you love someone--"_

_"I don't want to love you anymore. I can't."_

_Darren turned back toward Chris, while Chris lay flat on his back and stared straight ahead._

_He gently runs his fingers along Chris' arm. "But you do, Chris. You can. I've seen it. I've felt it."_

_Chris shivered and blinked a few times as tears rolled down his face. "Stop. Please, stop. I can't."_

_"Chris. Baby."_

_"I'm not your baby. I'm not your anything."_

_"You don't--you don't mean that."_

_Darren started to reach across Chris' body to pull him close but Chris yelled, "Don't touch me."_

_Darren took a deep breath and when he pulled back, the tears fell. "I need you."_

_"I don't need you. You should get dressed now," Chris said flatly, though his face still gleamed with tear tracks._

_"Chris--"_

_"Get out of my house."_

_"I don't--"_

_"Please, leave!" Chris demanded in exasperation._

_Darren laid next to him and shook with the force of his sobs._

_"Fine. I'll go," Darren finally uttered, once he regained enough composure. Then he sat up and turned away again, feet hanging over the edge of the bed._

_As Darren wiped at his eyes and slowly stood up, the only sound that filled the room was Chris' heavy breathing._

_Normally, that sound anchored him, but at that moment, it made him want to drown._

_Still, he got dressed and left, unable to look back._

As Darren downs the scotch straight from the bottle, all he can do is look back, though, at Chris' pleased grin when Darren first opened it.

It was a single-malt, twenty-seven years old, but Chris liked to think it aged quite well.

Darren had been unsure about drinking it, but he just smiled at Chris in return when they shared a glass.

Now he resists the urge to smash the bottle; instead, he downs a few shots and collapses onto his bed.

Although he has an early call time, he doesn't sleep, only lies there for a few hours before brushing his teeth and quickly showering.

He has to work, has to keep moving, so he gets dressed and briefly debates texting Chris.

He doesn't, though, because he'll see Chris soon enough.

Maybe with some time, Chris will see him, too.

\----

Darren drives to the set in a haze, but he still smiles at everyone he encounters, even the surly security guard at the studio gate.

The guy smiles back and Darren feels almost normal for a second, until he runs into Chris in the makeup trailer.

Darren nods at the woman fixing Chris' hair, and the assistant who's about to work on him, before turning to Chris.

"Hey. You surviving the fumes in here? I swear it's worse than the smog from the traffic sometimes," Darren jokes, but it sounds hollow even to his own ears.

"Dare, please," Chris warns him without looking over.

"Y'know, he pretends he can't stand my jokes, but secretly, I think he loves them," Darren stage whispers as the assistant powders his face.

Chris doesn't say anything, but the hair and makeup people chuckle.

"Anyway," Darren continues, "you excited to wrap for the season today?"

"Yeah," the twenty-something makeup girl answers eagerly. "If we finish on time, I'm finally going on a date with this guy I've been talking to for a while."

Darren glances over at Chris, but addresses the woman. "Sounds great. If you can't make it, I'm sure he'll understand."

"I hope so. If he doesn't, then screw him. I'll go out with my friends."

"Always good to have a backup plan," Chris chimes in. "Don't wanna pin all your hopes on one person."

Darren's heart drops as he remembers what Chris said to him last night.

_"I don't need you."_

"He's right," Darren tells her. "Try not to get too invested. If he's pissed about something that small, it's not worth it. But if he still wants to see you after you cancel tonight, then he's probably worth waiting for."

She pauses while standing in front of him and grins fondly. "Aww, Darren. You always know just what to say."

"I try."

Chris looks over at them with a contemplative expression and studies Darren's face for a second, but then he gets up and turns to leave. "See you on set, everyone."

"Bye, Chris. Good luck," the makeup assistant says, stepping aside to let the hair stylist work on Darren.

"You need it more than I do," Chris laughs. "Fingers crossed that we get outta here early."

"Fingers crossed," she repeats hopefully.

Darren hears Chris' footsteps and the door slamming on his way out.

The makeup assistant sits in the chair next to Darren that was previously occupied by Chris as she waits for the next cast member to show up.

"Well, now that we're done talking about my love life, or maybe lack of, don't you think that was weird?" she wonders. "I mean, when you first came in. He always laughs at your jokes, even if they're really lame. Or he'll at least roll his eyes and smile, not whatever that reaction was. Do you think something's wrong?"

Darren shrugs and apologizes for moving while his hair gets shellacked into place. "I dunno. Things change, I guess."

He silently lets the hair stylist finish, trying not to linger on the truth of his statement as he heads out toward the wardrobe area.

Instead, he focuses on getting through this day and whether or not he may still have a chance to change things back to the way they used to be.

\----

Chris and Darren slip into their onscreen roles rather easily; they're still professionals and that much hasn't changed.

Except Darren's brain floods with images of Chris when Blaine rolls a suitcase behind him and meets Kurt's open arms, finally coming home to the man he loves, hopefully for good.

He thinks of dropping by Chris' place after being out of town for days, when Chris was physically absent, but he could still sense him everywhere, including the empty Diet Coke cans on the kitchen counter and the way the whole house still smelled like him.

He thinks of a future where he sets his keys on a hook by the door, where he pets Brian, and finds Chris, who would have been straining over a laptop for hours. He'd kiss Chris on the cheek and hook his chin over Chris' shoulder. Then he'd tell him to come to bed because it's late and he's missed his husband.

But after the third take of falling into Chris' embrace, Darren remembers the harsh reality of the previous night, when Chris told him he shouldn't want those things.

Still, Darren longs for it so badly that he clings tighter this time.

"Let me go," Chris whispers into Darren's neck once the camera stops rolling.

"I don't want to. Just a little longer. Please."

Darren tucks his head into the crook of Chris' neck, like he's done so many times before, both onscreen and off.

Chris smells faintly like Kurt's hairspray, but also like the body wash that Chris uses every morning. Both scents feel like home, so much that Darren's not sure where Blaine ends and he begins.

Then, he sighs, suddenly remembering where he is and that he does have to let go, at least physically.

Darren pulls away again and the director tells them they're good for this setup, so they change costumes and head back to the loft set for the last scene, where he nestles into the safety of Blaine, on the couch and in Kurt's arms.

Darren, and Chris, recite their lines perfectly and on cue, but Lea, who joins them in this scene, fumbles a few times, apologizing through her giggles.

Darren attempts to maintain some normalcy by joking about it, but like earlier in the makeup trailer, it feels so wrong.

No one seems to notice, though, until they wrap, and Darren can't get away from Chris fast enough.

After Darren thanks the director and the crew for all their hard work this season, Lea corners him, while Chris chats with one of the lighting guys on the other side of the set.

"What the hell is up with you? You've been acting sullen as fuck all day. Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"I--" Darren digs his hands in his pockets and looks down. "Chris and I had an argument last night. It was really fucking ugly. I'm not sure if I can fix it this time."

Lea frowns. "But you guys always work it out. What exactly happened?"

Darren looks around quickly to make sure no one is listening and then he replies in a hushed tone, "Oh, y'know, the usual. He hates how obviously affectionate I am. I hate how he acts like he doesn't care, and oh, yeah, he doesn't love me and this is just some goddamn fling."

"Honey." Lea takes his hand sympathetically. "You know that's not true. Almost three years, I've watched you two grow closer and I've never heard him talk about anyone the way he talks about you. People say things they don't mean when they're pissed off."

"I know. I didn't believe it for a second but, he seemed so fucking determined to push me away and nothing I did could stop him, so I left."

"Well, smooth it over and get him back, babe. I've never known you to give up so easily. I'm sure you'll find a way."

"I hope so. I can't--" Darren swallows, glancing across the room at Chris. "I'm not ready to lose him."

"You haven't lost him, after all you've been through. The kind of bond that you have with him is so rare. Take care of it. Take care of _him."_ She squeezes Darren's hand and then lets go. "Or else I'll have to kick your ass."

Darren laughs. "I will, if he lets me. You know him."

"Yeah, I do, but you do, too. You'll find your way back to him. This'll blow over."

Darren gives her a strained grin and a hug, and wishes that she'll be right.

\----

But as time passes, it looks less and less likely that Chris will budge on his decision.

Darren texts and calls Chris several times every day for a month after shooting ends, but he gets no answer, until he shows up at Chris' door before departing to New York for the upfronts.

"I'm not giving you your stuff back right now. I don't have time," Chris yells from the other side.

Darren replies that he cares more about Chris and their relationship than about his stuff, but he gets no further response.

Then, Darren debates returning his key to Chris' place, ultimately deciding to hold onto it before turning around and heading to the airport.

He gets to New York, and as he dresses for the event, he thinks of last year's upfronts when he hurriedly undressed Chris in the limo.

They had spent a brief time apart and Chris was wearing a jacket with a shirt unbuttoned low enough that Darren couldn't resist marking his perfect pale skin.

Chris had laughed and mildly warned him, but made no attempt to stop him, so Darren eventually kissed his way into blowjob territory.

They were only a couple blocks away by the time Chris had spilled down Darren's throat, and then Darren had climbed into his lap and kissed him as they quickly fumbled to put themselves back together.

They both smiled and each agreed that the other's hair actually looked better than when they started.

Now, Darren stares in the mirror, picking through his curls and wishing Chris would simply talk to him.

Hopefully, performing a short set and smiling for the cameras will serve as a sufficient distraction so Darren won't think about that any further.

Singing helps a bit, until Darren remembers that this is the last time he'll be here for Glee; it's a bittersweet reminder of another omnipresent end lingering on his horizon.

Still he continues on, posing with his fellow cast members, other actors from the network, and fans who so graciously showed up for the aforementioned performance.

The dash of melancholy doesn't fade, though, so Darren decides to get drunk at the after party, which gives him a decent buzz for a while.

Then, Lea asks him about Chris.

"Ask him yourself," Darren snaps, the drink in his hand sloshing around.

"So I take it you haven't patched things up yet?"

He stumbles forward and grabs Lea's arm. "Nope. Not one bit. He won't take my calls, or my texts. He won't even answer his goddamn door. I could've let myself in, but that's not the point."

"Yes, it is, Darren. Break down his fucking door if you have to. How drunk are you?" Lea asks, raising her eyebrows.

"Drunk enough to tell you that you look really hot in that dress, but not drunk enough to do anything else about it."

"Uh, thanks for the compliment and for sort of being a gentleman?"

"You're welcome. Any time," Darren says with a grin.

Lea smiles back gently and squeezes his hand. 

"You should call him, Darren. You know you still want to."

"Maybe I want another drink."

"You want _him._ Go sleep it off and then try talking to him again."

"But he won't fucking listen to me. I don't even know what to do anymore."

Lea takes his hand in hers and tells him, "Keep trying. That's all you can do, hon."

\----

Darren has a few more drinks after that, Lea's words ringing in his head.

He's not going to fucking give up, not when he fought so hard to be with Chris in the first place. He loves Chris, and he knows Chris loves him, despite their circumstances.

So he loosens his tie and downs one more glass before sneaking back to his hotel room and calling Chris.

Chris doesn't pick up and it goes to voicemail, so Darren leaves a message:

"You're right. Maybe I should tone it down a bit, but I'm tired, too, Chris. I'm tired of hiding, and I'm tired of being a fucking puppet out there. We both know that at the end of the day, I know who I really am. More importantly, I know who you really are, which I think scares the shit out of you, so you're pushing me away. Well, guess what? I still love you. Even when you're so pissed off that you ignore my texts and phone calls, and even when you lie to me about not feeling the same. What we have is too fucking special to throw it away, especially after all this time. I still want to save us. Tell me you want to save us, too."

Darren sits down on the bed, his hand shaking as he hangs up.

After that, he waits.

Then, he takes a deep breath, undresses out of his fancy work attire, and waits some more.

He lays down with his phone next to him, but it doesn't make a sound, until he's about to pass out.

Darren blinks and checks the screen, but it's only a message from Lea.

_Are you okay??_

He knows he's not but he replies with a quick, _"Yeah. Sleeping it off,"_ so she doesn't worry.

However, he doesn't think he'll be able to sleep off the disappointment of Chris not listening to him.

With a heavy heart, Darren succumbs to the alcohol and the reality of his fracturing relationship.

\----

A few days after Darren returns, he texts Chris.

_Do you want your key back?_

A minute later, Chris answers:

_Hang onto it until you get all your stuff. You can come when I'm not home._

Darren's heart sinks as he wonders how Chris can seem so detached so soon after their argument.

Darren responds with:

_So now you don't even wanna see me? How mature._

The only explanation Darren receives is:

_It's better this way._

He chuckles wryly and texts back:

_For who?_

_For both of us, Darren. By the time we get back on set, things should be okay._

Darren replies:

_I don't want things to be *okay.* I want you._

Chris doesn't answer after that.

Darren holds on to Chris' key and leaves his belongings at Chris' home.

\----

A week after that, late at night, Darren texts Chris again.

_I miss you._

Although Darren doesn't agree with Chris' choice, he wants to respect it, but this is Darren's life, too, and he still wants to try changing Chris' mind.

So he drives to Chris' house and sees someone else's car in the driveway next to Chris' own.

He recalls that it belongs to one of Chris' friends, who had always been a little too flirty with Chris, even around Darren.

Jealousy burns in Darren's gut as he rings the doorbell and knocks very loudly.

"I'm busy," he hears Chris yell, but Darren keeps knocking.

Finally, the door opens.

"Darren," Chris says quietly, the smile falling away from his face, revealing a broken expression that Darren rarely ever sees on him.

It makes Darren want to embrace him and never let go, but then the anger wells back up when he realizes who Chris is entertaining and why he might have been smiling.

 _"Him?"_ Darren snaps. "You tell me you don't wanna see me, and you invite _him_ over?" 

"Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see you. Why is _he_ here?"

Chris crosses his arms in front of his chest. "That's not your business anymore. I think you should go."

"Why are you doing this to us? After everything--You can't just erase--"

"We're done. There is no us anymore, Darren," Chris responds stoically.

"I miss you," Darren blurts out, sadness seeping through his tone.

Chris gulps and his mouth hangs open for a moment, his eyes flitting across Darren's frame. 

"I have company," Chris finally answers.

"I can't believe--" Darren bites his lip, tears forming in his eyes. "Fine. Have fun with your _company."_

"Darren--"

"What the hell else do you want me to say, Chris?"

"I-I don't know."

"Then, I guess this is goodbye."

"Goodbye, Darren," Chris says with a deep sigh and such an air of finality that Darren can't bear to look at him anymore.

So he turns around and heads back to his car, collapsing in the driver's seat.

He pounds his fist against the steering wheel, tears finally falling as he realizes this is most likely the end and that maybe he should start letting go.

\----

Darren calls up an old girlfriend and starts hanging out with her more. He cries on her shoulder after explaining his situation with Chris and eventually, they start fucking again.

It doesn't make Darren feel any better.

Three long, difficult years that started in denial, and built to heartfelt declarations and secret promises couldn't just end in one fight.

Except Darren knew that that one fight was the culmination of a larger issue that he could not resolve, that of his image.

As much as Darren hated it, Chris was right; he couldn't go on displaying his love for Chris so obviously, but he couldn't simply stop loving him, either.

He remembers the previous spring, when he was about to go on tour, and discussions of promotion and what songs would be sung.

Darren had argued with his management, and with Chris, and in the end, Darren had compromised far too much.

This may be part of what cost him Chris now.


End file.
